Tired of fighting spam — it's time to embrace it

I am tired of fighting spam. I have 4 different spam filters installed on email, they catch 99% of it, but it is still a pain to keep the filters up to date, check for false positives, etc.

So I decided Wednesday to quit fighting. I am just going to totally surrender to spam and take advantage of all these great opportunities in my inbox.

This is going to take some money. So first I took out 2 loans, and consolidated my existing debt to get my payments down. Nice little seed of cash flow. 3 spam down, and I have a nice little nest egg to work with.

But I really need to grow that money. So I took 1/3rd to an offshore casino — 1 cent slots with million dollar jackpots! And I invested 1/3rd in US Government Tax Certificates, whatever they are — 50% returns guaranteed! And then sent the last third to poor Mrs Mariam Abacha in Nigeria. From this last deal alone I’ll make $8M dollars! 6 spam down.

First off, I am going to focus on personal growth. I’m going to pick up that PhD I’ve been wanting — apparently I don’t need to deal with any annoying classes or thesis. I’ve signed up for that Sales training course. I’m going to stop smoking. I’m getting stars named after me and my whole family. And I’m promoting my blog, on two different services. 12 spam down.

After all this self improvement, I deserve a break. I’ve signed up for two vacations — a free weekend at a resort, and a cheap flight to Europe. I’m getting free cable tv installed. I just got a great price on Adobe Photoshop. I’ve signed up for an extended warranty on my car. 17 spam down.

But after all this selfish focus and rampant consumerism, I am filled with self-loathing. I’ve started smoking again, so I am going to pick up cigarettes for cheap by the carton. I buy two banned CDs the government doesn’t want me to see. I visit a great porn site, delivered privately to my home. 21 spam down.

My short dive into the seedier side has cleansed me — I am going to pursue a purer life with renewed enthusiasm. What has really been missing is love. I’ll accept offers for 3 different blind dates that apparently have been set up for me. I am quite optimistic, I order viagra online from 18 different services! And I order one batch of size enhancement pills. 43 spam down.

I’m headed out for a big evening. Quickly now, before I run — scan my PC for bugs and spyware that may have entered my system after opening all this spam. And then open 6 email worms so I can keep the email flow going for all of you.

All 50 spam dealt with. It really wasn’t that bad.